Reviews as equitable as possible.

Counter-Strike: Global Offensive Review

My girlfriend told me to make this review, mostly because I think that she likes to see me in pain.  It’s okay, we’re sadomasochists deep down.  With that said, I know that the internet is going to hate me for this review, and I’m not even going to try to post it to the CS:GO subreddit since I don’t think that, even though I’m adding to the conversation, they will look kindly upon an unfavorable review.  With that said, I’ll cringe hard and get right down to it.  Remember, I’m grading this title on MY experience with it, not what the rest of the world thinks.

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Portal 2 Review

Portal and Portal 2, as well as the lore and Eastereggs AND its relation to the Half-Life franchise, have always been near and dear to me.  I loved both games, particularly Portal 2, and I can’t wait to review it.  Before I do, however, I have to say that this game isn’t perfect just because it’s developed by Valve under our lord and savior, praise be his name, Gabe Newel.  You won’t find any circle-jerky crap in this review.  I’m going to rate and critique this game as fairly as possible, while still letting you know that, in the end, it’s a great game.

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Ori and the Blind Forest Review

This game took me by surprise in many aspects, but was somewhat predictable in others.  A good game deserves a good and comprehensive review, so let’s not beat around the bush.  Here we go.

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The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt Review

Few games have ever elicited the kind of emotional responses from me that this game has, and I wanted to get you this review as soon as I finished the main plot before playing it again because this game hit me so ferociously.  At the same time, I also wanted to digest the game and really contemplate how I should suck its dick.

It feels weird to fall in line with everyone else regarding a review for a title, but this time, I just have to.  The hype for this game was real, and CD Projekt Red really fucking delivered.  The love of my life bought me this game as one of a few anniversary gifts.  I downloaded it, booting it up, expecting another average or possibly sub-par ARPG, but the introductory sequence changed my expectations right quick.

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Rocket League Review

This game was laboriously difficult to review.  My review might seem very sporadic in how it’s graded, but I’ll do my best to explain everything.  I’d like to preface this review, though the review itself may sound harsh, with the fact that I thoroughly enjoy this game.  With that said, I think this game is a beautiful fucking disaster.  Also, don’t come to me and say shit like ‘this game wasn’t designed to have the elements on which you graded it’.  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Hold your games to higher standards than that.  I’m meticulous, I’m honest, I praise, and I critique.  Sometimes I rip it to fucking shreds, and you’ll see a little bit of everything reading through this review. Continue reading “Rocket League Review”

The Talos Principle Review

Before I begin, I would like to stroke my own ego and say that, when it comes to first-person puzzle games like Portal, CastleVania (fine, it’s 3rd person, but would Portal really operate that differently if it were 3rd person?), or The Talos Principle (which you can do in 3rd person as well), I’m probably the expert.  I know what to expect, I know how a puzzle platformer should function and handle, and since I’m quite skilled at many different puzzle games, even including titles like Bejeweled or Tower Defense games (loosely puzzle related), I know what a good challenge should be like versus punishingly difficult like Dark Souls or something of the like.  The PUZZLE needs to be difficult, not its controls or interaction.

Preceding the review, I can say that The Talos Principle is phenomenal.  I almost wanted to put puzzle games, including this one, in their own rating scale, but I knew that might be complicated for some people that want to play a good game versus wanting to play a good puzzle game.  If you’re as addicted to games like these as I am, you understand the very bold distinction.

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